


The Great Escape

by TaleasOldasTimeandSpace



Series: Adventures of Darcy and Balrog [7]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Balrog the Bilgesnipe, Crack, Darcy and Balrog watch waaaay to many movies, Darcyland, Don't try this at home kids, Gen, Scott Suffers(tm), Zoos Are Not Petshops, the triumphant return of Maleficent the Komodo dragon and BIlbo the chameleon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-06
Updated: 2017-10-06
Packaged: 2019-01-09 05:30:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12269859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TaleasOldasTimeandSpace/pseuds/TaleasOldasTimeandSpace
Summary: When your friends are in need, you help them out.  Even if your friend is a Komodo dragon.Especially if your friend is a Komodo dragon.





	The Great Escape

**Author's Note:**

> Several people have bemoaned the fact that Maleficent and Bilbo got sent back to the clink, so this is my attempt to remedy the situation. Plus Darcy Princess Powers, because why not?

Scott choked, spewing his coffee all over the counter.

Darcy grimaced.  ‘Gross.’ 

Scott wiped his mouth on his sleeve and cleared his throat.  ‘I’m sorry,  _ what _ did you say?’

‘I said, “gross.”  People are trying to eat, y’know.’

‘Cute.  you know what I mean.  You want me to do  _ what?’ _

‘I want you to help me break into the Bronx Zoo World of Reptiles,’ she repeated with exaggerated slowness.

He shook his head.  ‘That’s what I thought.  Nice to know I’m not losing it.  Why, exactly?’

‘Remember that time Jane accidentally opened a wormhole and let a whole bunch of reptiles into her lab?’

‘I heard about it…’

‘Well, Balrog and I have been checking in with them since then, to make sure they're okay and everything, and when we were there on Tuesday, we found out that they're going to be shipping Maleficent off to a zoo in France. She can't go to France, Scott!  She doesn't speak French!’

‘Maleficent?  The evil fairy from  _ Sleeping Beauty? _ ’

‘She’s a Komodo dragon.’

Scott blinked.  Shook his head.  Blinked again.  ‘You do know that Komodo dragons can’t—’

Darcy didn’t let him finish.  ‘If it was Rome or something, that would be completely different.  Her Italian’s fine, and she loves pasta.  But she doesn't want to go to France!’

‘And you know this how, exactly?’

She flapped a dismissive hand.  ‘She told us, of course.’

‘Of...course…’

‘Well, all I got was the general impression of unhappiness, but she told Balrog and he told me.’

‘Oh, well, if  _ Balrog _ told you…’

‘It’s a tragedy, Scott!’  She grabbed his shirt and pulled him close to glare at him.  ‘You have to help us get Maleficent and Bilbo!’

He pried her fingers loose and leaned back.  ‘Bilbo?  Who’s Bilbo?  I’m assuming you don’t mean the hobbit.’

‘Bilbo’s a chameleon.’

‘Of course he is.  Where’s he being shipped off to?  Egypt?  China?  Mordor?’

She rolled her eyes.  ‘Don’t be ridiculous.  Bilbo’s not going anywhere, we’re just breaking him out ’cause he’s adorable and Maleficent and Balrog would miss him if we left him behind.’

Scott let his head drop forward on the counter with a gentle thud.  He landed in a puddle of coffee, but at this point, he couldn't bring himself to care.  ‘Darcy.  The zoo is not your personal pet shop.’

‘I don’t think you’re a position to be preaching at me, Scott,’ she sniffed.  ‘Will you help us?’

He straightened up, schooling his features into a virtuous expression.  ‘I don’t do that kind of thing anymore, Darcy.  You know that.’

‘You used the Ant-Man suit to break into Tony’s lab last week because Clint dared you.’

‘It was a training exercise!’

‘You gave Dum-E a sign that read  _ Ant-Man rules, Iron Man drools.  Then rusts.  Because of the drool.’ _

‘It was a reverse capture-the-flag kind of scenario!’

‘Uh huh.’  She raised a skeptical eyebrow.

‘Oh, forget it.  You obviously wouldn't understand.’

‘What I do understand is that Balrog and I will ant-sit Ugly Puppy for a week if you help us.’  She looked at him with wide, pleading eyes.  ‘Please, Scott?  We're her only hope!’

He knew he was going to regret it, but he asked anyway.  ‘As a strictly intellectual exercise, what exactly do you want from me?’

‘I’m glad you asked.’  She produced the blueprints for the World of Reptiles from nowhere—or possibly a pocket dimension, Scott fully believed her capable of that—and slapped them on the counter.  ‘I need a way in.’

* * *

 

‘I feel compelled to remind you that Komodo dragons eat people.’  Scott’s voice broke into the rendition of  _ Mission:  Impossible _ Darcy and Balrog were harmonizing together through their link.

‘Don’t wimp out on me now, Lang,’ Darcy told the placard of reptile facts she was pretending to read.  ‘We’ve gone too far to abort the mission.’

‘Number one, I didn’t say anything about “aborting the mission.”  Number two, please stop talking like you’re in a spy movie.  If anything, it’s a prison break movie, maybe a prison break/heist hybrid.  Regardless, this is difficult enough for me without worrying about you breaking out ridiculous code names.’

‘Oh, I’m sorry,  _ Ant-Man.’ _  She smiled at a little boy who had his face smashed against the glass of the gecko case.  ‘I didn’t realize you were a connoisseur of code names.’

Scott’s sigh was loud in her ear.  ‘For the three hundred and seventy-fifth time, the name was  _ not _ my idea.  It’s not my fault Pym’s a stubborn kook.’

‘Hey, the man’s obviously a genius, but that doesn’t mean his talents extend to genius names.  That’s an art all by itself.’

‘No argument here.  Are you in position?’

‘Operation Steve McQueen is a go.’

‘...I walked into that, didn't I.’

‘Yup.’

The plan was simple.  Scott had identified the best spot for them to infiltrate the reptile enclosures.  Balrog was stationed by Maleficent, and Darcy was lurking by Bilbo.  As soon as Scott gave the signal, Darcy and Balrog would grab their respective targets and be gone before the zookeepers realized what was going on.  Darcy had already hacked the security cameras with a looped feed, so the only thing they needed to worry about was eyewitnesses.

With an eye-roll Darcy could hear over her comm, Scott gave the signal.  ‘The penguins are marching.’

Darcy watched as several panicked zookeepers ran past, no doubt responding to the report that there’d been an unexpected jail break at the penguin enclosure.  They were followed by a herd of curious tourists, eager to watch the show and perhaps get up-close and personal with a penguin.  Within a minute, the World of Reptiles was deserted.

Time for Phase Two.

Darcy slipped on the sling ring she’d...borrowed...from Stephen, conjuring a small window through the placard in front of her and into Bilbo’s case on the other side of the building.  It was really weird seeing her hand coming out of the wall behind her, and she couldn’t resist waving at herself.  One had to take these opportunities as they came.

Balrog had already briefed both Bilbo and Maleficent on the plan, and the chameleon scurried up her arm and settled on her shoulder as soon as her hand appeared.  His tail tickled as it wrapped around her neck, and she winced a little as he grabbed tiny fistfuls of her hair to steady himself.  Still, she felt very Rapunzel.  Letting the portal close, she activated the experimental teleporter Jane was working on—with any luck, she would never realized it had even left the lab—and a second later appeared on the base she’d left next to Balrog.

While she was securing Bilbo, Balrog had used a localized electromagnet he’d pinched from Tony’s lab to open Maleficent’s enclosure.  Maleficent waddled over to rub her head affectionately against Dary’s legs, making her stagger a little.  Bilbo abandoned her shoulder to take a flying leap for Balrog’s antlers.  Balrog shook his head slightly, not enough to dislodge the chameleon, just enough to swing him around a bit.  Bilbo tightened his grip and turned golden-brown to match the antlers.

‘Play nice, boys,’ Darcy said as she shoved Maleficent’s head aside and began stuffing their equipment into Balrog’s saddlebags.

‘You’ve got about thirty seconds before your friendly neighbourhood reptile handler turns the corner and finds you kidnapping his prize exhibits,’ Scott observed pleasantly.

‘Liberating, not kidnapping.  And I only need ten.’  She conjured another portal to the Mullet and all four of them tumbled through, landing in a heap at Scott’s feet.  Darcy grinned manically up at him.  ‘Steve McQueen, eat your heart out!’

He shook his head.  ‘You’re going to get me in so much trouble.’

‘Don’t pretend you didn’t have fun.’  Darcy hauled herself to her feet and dusted off her jeans.  ‘And it’s not like we’re going to get caught.  None of us are going to talk, and we’ll get everything put away before Jane gets back from Asgard.’

‘Uh-huh.  And how exactly are you going to explain the sudden appearance of a chameleon and a Komodo dragon?’

‘They followed me home?’

Scott shut his laptop with a click and stood.  ‘Yeah, good luck with that.  I’ll send you a list of ant-sitting dates.  If you’re still alive, I fully intend to collect.’

Darcy frowned, cocking her head.  ‘Why wouldn’t I be—’

‘DARCY ELIZABETH LEWIS, WHAT IN THE NAME OF JOCELYN BELL BURNELL HAVE YOU DONE?’

Scott ducked around Jane as she stormed into the Mullet.  ‘Welcome back, Jane!’ he said cheerfully.  ‘Lovely doing business with you, Darcy!  Gotta go!’

‘Scott, you coward—’  Darcy grabbed for him, but Jane blocked her.

‘Darcy.  Why is there a Komodo dragon in my lab?’

Darcy, surrounded by her snickering bilgesnipe partner in crime and the reptilian fruit of their caper, grinned weakly and did jazz hands.  ‘Surprise?’

**Author's Note:**

> Jane was not amused with Darcy and Balrog's little escapade, and instituted the Darcy Is Not Allowed to Associate With Scott Without Adult Supervision rule. Darcy argues that it's literally impossible to find an adult to supervise in the Tower. Jane remains unamused.
> 
> Cassie named Ugly Puppy, of course. They're both honourary members of Darcy and Balrog's motley crew.
> 
> Wong is giving Darcy magic pointers on the sly, because they both find the faces Stephen makes at the idea of Darcy and magic hilarious. She's not that good yet, but she has Ambition.
> 
> Life is crazy, per usual, but I promise I haven't abandoned these prompts. In other news, I'm applying for an apartment! God seems to be holding it open, and I'm praying that He continues to do so. Every time I talk to the rental agent she says how weird it is that it's still available. It's tiny but adorable, and I really REALLY want it. (Though I realized today that I missed a golden opportunity to live in Unit 12. Oh well.)
> 
> As always, you can leave prompts in the comments below, or [shoot the breeze](https://taleasoldastime-andspace.tumblr.com/ask) on tumblr. No smut, slash, or polyships, please and thank you.
> 
> Namarie, my little bilgesnipes!


End file.
